The night we found out we were pregnant with our first was one of those few moments in my life that I will never forget. Before that moment, I'd never have imagined that one little test would leave such an impression on my life, but it did. My spouse and I were pregnant, we had embarked on a new adventure of joint purpose, of family.
We don't live close to family, they are all at least a short flight away. This has is advantages and disadvatages. One of the definite pros though is we have a constant stream of visitors coming and living with us for a week or so. Its really nice.
It was early 2008 that we started to suspect this unplanned pregnancy. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time. So we decided to wait till they left before getting the test, to confirm what was going on.
Doing the test was an experience in itself. My wife took it into the bathroom, followed the instructions and lost all confidence, fleeing the room. She insisted I go and check the results, she no longer had the courage.
So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said "sweetheart, we are going to have a baby".
At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn't believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word "rollercoaster". Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.
The rest of this evening was nothing short of blissful. The news, though unexpected and unplanned, brought us together as a couple in a way I never would have thought possible. The intimacy of this special news was something only we shared. The way we shared this revelation stregthened our relationship massively. All of a suden we were a partnership that nothing could cast assunder.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalise you as far as they can out of the process.
The perfect example of this type of incident occured when we were visiting my wife's sister. The two women have a mutual friend, she's been a friend of theirs for years. While we were there, this friend rang the sister and completely independent of us, told her we want her to be present in the delivery room when our baby arrives. This was the last thing we wanted, we saw the delivery as a moment we would share alone. Yet this well meaning woman decided it was appropriate to organise for us what she thought was best, without even discussing it with us.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew "much better".
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the "well meaning woman", who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
In talking to many other new fathers in my circle of friends, it seems as men, this is an issues we all have to face. The "well meaning woman" pops up everywhere, typically is the wife's best friend, or mother, sometimes it can be your own mother. Its always someone who has already had children though, and someone who "knows better".
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferances of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances.
We don't live close to family, they are all at least a short flight away. This has is advantages and disadvatages. One of the definite pros though is we have a constant stream of visitors coming and living with us for a week or so. Its really nice.
It was early 2008 that we started to suspect this unplanned pregnancy. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time. So we decided to wait till they left before getting the test, to confirm what was going on.
Doing the test was an experience in itself. My wife took it into the bathroom, followed the instructions and lost all confidence, fleeing the room. She insisted I go and check the results, she no longer had the courage.
So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said "sweetheart, we are going to have a baby".
At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn't believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word "rollercoaster". Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.
The rest of this evening was nothing short of blissful. The news, though unexpected and unplanned, brought us together as a couple in a way I never would have thought possible. The intimacy of this special news was something only we shared. The way we shared this revelation stregthened our relationship massively. All of a suden we were a partnership that nothing could cast assunder.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalise you as far as they can out of the process.
The perfect example of this type of incident occured when we were visiting my wife's sister. The two women have a mutual friend, she's been a friend of theirs for years. While we were there, this friend rang the sister and completely independent of us, told her we want her to be present in the delivery room when our baby arrives. This was the last thing we wanted, we saw the delivery as a moment we would share alone. Yet this well meaning woman decided it was appropriate to organise for us what she thought was best, without even discussing it with us.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew "much better".
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
But they often are tempered by the "well meaning woman", who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)
In talking to many other new fathers in my circle of friends, it seems as men, this is an issues we all have to face. The "well meaning woman" pops up everywhere, typically is the wife's best friend, or mother, sometimes it can be your own mother. Its always someone who has already had children though, and someone who "knows better".
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferances of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances.
About the Author:
Damian Papworth as a new dad, discusses some of the challenges he had to cope with recently, as an expectant father for the first time. Don't reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.
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